The Klockwork Raven

I don’t always think about the fact that I have a disability. Usually I am blindsided by it. It usually comes when I go to do something and I realise that doing whatever ͞it͟ is isn’t as easy as it used to be. I have only been affected by my disability for about 12 years now. The last 5 have been more difficult, just as I have been trying to branch out and do more things. Typical.

Moaning isn’t really my thing and I have been doing the best I can not to burden my friends and family with the fall out of my disability. Unfortunately over the past couple of years, my husband has had to become my carer. Once that happened, the first real bit of my independence was lost.

Following that earth shattering revelation, I found the second most aggravating elements of my disability are that they are unseen and they fluctuate. One of the unseen bits that I deal with would be mental ill health. I hate that term, but there it is. It makes me feel inferior to other people, it isn’t how other people treat me, but how I think they will react if I say I suffer from it. I usually say I have anxiety or I suffer with depression. The depression bit is easier to handle. I am better acquainted with it, after all, I have been carrying that label for 40 years. My Depression hasn’t stopped me from doing things for long periods of time or at least it hasn’t for a long time. The show stoppers have been my bouts of anxiety and stress. These little devils have made me ill enough I was unable to work for several months at a time. Some of that time it wasn’t the anxiety or the stress that kept me out of work, sometimes it was the change of medications.

What causes the anxiety? That’s a good question. I don’t know all the reasons yet, partly I think it is how I am affected by my physical disability. It’s the way disabled people are treated in the media. It’s Television shows that twist the facts to make those who are not disabled and a bit gullible believe that we are all putting on the trappings of being disabled to get something for nothing. Well, the truth is somewhat different. I have worked fulltime for 30 years. I have paid my taxes all that time. National Insurance is there to cover you when you need extra help, isn’t it? I have lived in this country for almost 20 years. I’ve paid into the system. Now that I need the help that National Insurance is there for, I am treated like a second or third class citizen. I don’t have expensive things or go on lavish holidays. I have been subject to disability hate crime. Abused for something I can’t control and I couldn’t avoid. I can’t even live the sort of life I want to live. I’ve lost a lot to my disabilities. It still makes me angry. I haven’t come to terms with my disabilities yet. I have friends who have been disabled longer than I have say that it happens eventually. I am hopeful but I am not ready to let go of the anger, the anger turned on the injustice of what is happening to disabled people is positive. So excuse me while I put on my anger armour and get ready for the next battle.